I have a really bad headache. It is all my fault really, i chose not to eat anything more than some really nasty oatmeal and yogurt all day today. This is not a new diet thing, more sheer laziness. I never eat before i workout (to which i do not recommend it makes one very dizzy) and i did not want to wait to take a shower so i did not sit down to lunchfast until almost oneish. Then i went over to the boy's apartment to do some interviews which should of lasted an hour max. In reality it took four. No, my interview skills are not that great, i just like talking one on one with people and after a 20 min interview with one i had a three hour long discussion. It was nice.

But to bring me back to my original topic of a food headache i am not going to eat anything major till after 6ish when we are having a cookout. :S crackers are just not cutting it till then, but they are going to have to.

I should have been doing homework today, a lot of it. But i would not change quality time with people i care about for something that will not matter a few years down the road. By this i mean, i will have to kick butt and lock myself in my apartment tomorrow to get it all done.

i thought about giving this site up for a while. But then i realized that i really did need someplace that was not my journal to write in. To give some of the people that i love a place to know (at least somewhat) what is going on inside my head.

These last few weeks have been kinda rough. A lot of crap has gone down within friendships that i was not ready for just yet. I wanted just a little more time to get used to the idea of my friendships not staying the same. I feel like i am being left behind. Like the rest of the world is slowly moving forward and i am stuck in the past. With the school year slowly approaching the end i always feel slightly reminiscent, this year i think i am just ready for it to be done. So many ups and downs, good times and bad scar my junior year of undergrad that it hardly seems possible that it all happened in one year.

I wish that i could give a glowing report of my life. That is just not the case right now. I have been struggling with depression for the past couple months, trying to make it work without medication. It is not working.

I have had to go to a physical therapist for stress the last month or so (yes i know, weird) and she has warned me about what will happen if i do not lower the stress level in my body. So here i am working out six days a week, spending time alone, getting enough sunshine, trying to get re-connected with GOD (again), spend time with friends that love me. And all to no avail. Nothing is helping. In fact, i think it is just getting worse. I am at a loss as to what else i can do. There is no major problem in my life that should be causing this much stress.

The problems that i do have no one seems to listen. I have tried at least four different people to talk to and every single time they start talking about how they know EXACTLY what i am going through and then just start jabbering off about their problem. I am to the point now that it is not worth it to share. I am a good listener but that is not a good excuse to abuse that listening power when the listener actually NEEDS to be listened to. I trust so very few people already so it is not like i can continue to go down the line to find someone who will actually pay attention to me. And how selfish does that sound? Argh, sometimes i even disgust myself.

What i want right now is to be held. Held by someone that i care about, whether it be male or female. But there are again so few people that i would allow to hold me. I can think of about 6 right now that are stretched across the state. And Heaven forbid if i actually need some encouragement. If i need to be told without being asked that i am beautiful and worth something without getting the lecture that i should not feel this way, that i should know that i am all of these things. I am not fishing for compliments here people. In fact, with most people it would be false to me if they said these things to me. I need it spontaneously i need it without having to worry about if they read this and then decided to do it. That would be false to me as well.

I do not know what is wrong with me lately. If it really is the depression then Lord, please make it go away.

Usually things that i read on Xanga do not make me that angry. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But i read something a few days ago that i still have not been able to get out of my head. One of bloggers was talking about how the only job that they could get was a Social Work position. Like it was something bad. This made my blood boil. Having spent the last three years of my life devoting my time to learn the field it infuriates me to hear that it is the ONLY job that they can get.

These people are not worth enough to be called a Social Worker. If you did not go to college and get a BSW then i do not believe that you should be able to call yourself a SW. Harsh. I know. I do not think that Psychology majors should have this honor either (note i said honor, not curse). I am a Psch minor and therefore have taken a lot of Psyc classes (almost enough to get a major, another long story) and in the classes that i have taken you do not learn all that you need to learn to be a good SW. There are many aspects that other majors miss.

You have to be all things to all people. You have to care about EVERY human life. We have a certain code that we must follow. We are TRAINED to face everything that could possibly get thrown at us. We are prepared. Other majors are not, at least to become a SW.

Now, i understand that these are the lowest paying jobs (another issue i have) but that is just the nature of the beast, we are over worked and under paid. Most people are not willing to work that much for that little and therefore the beginning levels of our field have a lot of openings. I understand the reasoning. What i have a problem with is that it is looked down upon as a last resort, like it is somthing nasty, when in all reality you are not QUALIFIED to be able to hold this lowest of low seats.

ok. end rant.